Refine This Pain And Take My Love Instead
by XoX Secret Lover XoX
Summary: "Lily, what would you say if I kissed you?" "I'd say nothing. I'd kiss you back." - An AU tale of Lily Evans, Severus Snape, and James Potter and what would have happened if Snape had never made the fatal mistake in their fifth year.
1. Prologue

**Yo! This is my first HP fanfic, clearly in the Marauders' Era. This is a plot that I had stem off of an RP that I was in, but it died. D: I'm now taking it off and refining into a fan-fiction because I can't let this juicy plotline die.**

**So...If I knew the people that played James and Severus, I'd say their names here, but I can't...so credit for some plots go to them, and then everything belongs to J.K. Rowling. Not me. Unfortunately.**

* * *

Summer

Breath was nonexistent to those that always lived in a toxic environment. Of course, air always could pass through the lungs like any other human being…but it never brought any relief. For those who would associate themselves with pain on a regular basis, breath usually stung as well. In very many circumstances, it could also be pointless when one wished to be dead.

Severus Tobias Snape shut his eyes tightly and hoped and prayed for his father to just leave their shambled house and drink. He'd come back in even more of a sour mood, but at least Severus could get some peace. There would be no way he could see Lily, but at least there would be no Tobias. His mother and her disapproving, disconnected eyes would always be in the back of Severus's mind, but he could always handle Eileen. Tobias was a monster on a completely different universe. While Eileen never was satisfied with anything, Tobias hated everything in the world and anything he touched seemed to be injected with his own hatred.

Thunder rang through the air and Severus's mind drifted to a bittersweet place—_Lily. _His best friend and love of almost a decade was within walking distance, yet he felt as though she was on a completely different planet. It was always like that when she wasn't near him with her soft vermillion hair and stunning emerald eyes. Severus sighed under his breath as he stayed on the cold, hard ground in Spinner's End and tried to seem as inoffensive as possible to Tobias. It was a near impossible task, but something about thinking about his Lily made things slightly easier.

A loud crash of lightning illuminated the dark rooms for a moment before everything was dark again and Severus opened his eyes. Worry trickled into his mind as he thought about Lily some more—she hated thunderstorms. Always did and probably always would. Petunia, the twit, would be mocking her, probably, as Lily would cower on her bed, trying not to cry in front of her awful sister. While Lily was strong, her heart was too big and incredibly sensitive—especially since she'd be distressed over her fear of the storms, and Petunia would be using that to her awful advantage.

He hoped she was okay, or that she'd at least hex Petunia. That made Severus crack a slight smile, but it quickly disappeared before Tobias could notice.

Severus was right about all of his assumptions.

Less than five minutes from where Severus was lying on the ground in Spinner's End, Lillian Jeanine Evans was curled up on her bed, her green eyes wide in fear. She always felt incredibly stupid and silly when a thunderstorm rolled around. For Merlin's sake, she was almost sixteen years old and was still just as frightened of the noise and light like a girl ten years younger than her would be! She swallowed hard and wished that she had Sev around to distract her. He was always the best at getting her to calm down. Lily sighed and wrapped her arms around her knees, tucking her head down between them.

"Are you seriously _that_ scared?" Petunia snapped at her. Lily jumped and looked up before frowning at her sister and that harsh, sneering scowl of hers.

"Petunia, just go away. Please," Lily mumbled before ducking her head down again.

"You're nearly sixteen years old! Grow up, already, or does your fancy freak school forget to teach you how to be normal?" Lily didn't say anything to her sister and tried her best to not cry in front of her. Thankfully, Petunia finally turned away before a few tears fell down from her cheeks. Lily sighed and tucked her knees in closer as she closed her eyes. It would be so much easier if she was just at Hogwarts. Of course, there was the pest of James Potter and Sirius Black, but at least she could be safe in her dorm room. She'd be free to create a noise and light canceling ward around her bed so she wouldn't have to deal with the storm at all.

After an hour or so, the storm finally passed and Lily was able to relax. She ran a hand through her hair and walked to her desk. There was an entire stack of letters to the left of her that had been brought to her window by owl, addressed from a 'mister Potter'. The methods that James used to get her address was something that Lily didn't care to know—she almost felt like she'd be an accomplice to some illegal crime if she knew.

Sighing, Lily picked up a piece of paper and pen to write. Severus was apparently sick and couldn't meet her in their park, as he had said in a previous letter, but Lily missed her friend dearly.

_Dear Sev,_

_ I know you're sick, but I've missed you a lot. If it wasn't for the fact that you won't let me come to your house, I'd be bringing you soup to hopefully make you feel better, or even a potion of some kind. I could probably think of something. Hopefully, though, you're feeling better. Are you? I hate being sick myself, especially when we're at Hogwarts. Madame Pomfrey is just so strict! You'd think that she'd treat the patients with a bit more kindness, but she's actually quite tough. It makes me glad that you and I are good enough to create a potion to ever avoid ending up in the infirmary at Hogwarts. _

_ Speaking of, I can't wait to be back at platform nine and three-quarters. I've missed Hogwarts so much. We're going to be sixth-years now! It's absolutely exciting to me, yet terrifying in a manner I really can't explain. I almost don't want to leave Hogwarts. It's been so much fun there. It seems like it's just yesterday when I was getting sorted. I don't even have the faintest clue about what I want to do after Hogwarts. You'd be a brilliant Potioneer, I know that. Anyone who has ever heard your name knows that, probably. I haven't the faintest idea of anything besides I'll be glad to be out of constant contact with Petunia. She's just so vicious!_

"Lily!" The redhead looked up and sighed as she heard her mother call her.

"Yes?"

"Supper's ready. Come on down, dear!" Lily sighed and turned back to her paper.

_Oh, no. My mother is calling me for dinner. I'm sorry this letter is so short, but I hate restarting writing them. Please write back!_

_ Your best friend,_

_ Lily_

Lily sealed the letter and quickly addressed it before leaving it by her window. She'd find a way to get an owl to it later. When she came back for dinner, it was gone, and in place of it, was the arrogant toerag's owl, a letter in its mouth.

"James Potter!" she growled, taking the letter and throwing it in the trash angrily. The owl flew off, spooked by Lily's small tantrum. Fifteen minutes later, it was perched on James Potter's arm.

"She didn't even read it, did she?" The owl blinked at him a couple times and he sighed before giving it a scrap of meat that James had previously been eating. James shook his head—what on earth was it going to take for Evans to even _think_ about giving him a chance?

He walked out of the kitchen and up to his room, where Sirius was thumbing through a Muggle motorcycle magazine on the floor. It seemed as though he was visiting Potter Manor every week now…James felt sorry for his best mate and the hell he had to go through when he was at home with the rest of his crazy family.

"Y'know, the least she could do is at least _read_ your letters after all the trouble it took to get her address," Sirius muttered as James set the owl on a perch and collapsed on his bed.

"Uuuugh," James sighed into his pillow. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"She'll come around, mate."

"Mmmfaugh."

"I know, I know. She's stubborn. All gingers are."

"Nalljeeiersbefet."

"I know, mate. Lily's perfect. I know," Sirius sighed as he flipped through a few more pages.

James grunted and rolled over so he could breathe. He fixed his glasses on his nose and sighed. Why wouldn't Lily just see he wasn't really _that_ bad? He was a lot better than Snivellus, that was for bloody hell sure.

"I just don't get why she seems to like everyone except me." Sirius shrugged.

"She's stubborn. Everyone knows that. Somehow, you offended her, and she hates it when people offend her," Sirius said nonchalantly before James rolled over to glare at him.

"Most people don't like it when they're offended, Sirius." Sirius just looked over at his best friend.

"I don't know. She'll come around eventually, mate. Just be patient. I know how difficult that is for you and all, but you're just going to have to wait." James rolled his eyes at Sirius and tackled him.

"Oh, shut it, Padfoot," James laughed as Sirius chuckled, the boys wrestling around on the floor.

"Just watch out for my magazine. It was bloody hard to sneak that past Kreacher, y'know," Sirius teased as he put James in a headlock.

"Padfoot, you are such a handful." James shook his head and managed to twist himself out of the headlock before James and Sirius playfully shoved at each other.

"Thanks, Prongs. You're a great friend, too." The boys laughed together as the smell of cooking food drifted upstairs.

"Shall we go and see what your mum is cooking?" James shrugged and shook his head to get his hair out of his eyes.

"Sure. Just don't eat it straight out of the pan, again. You know she hates that," James said as they both walked downstairs.

"You do it too," Sirius mocked.

"Yeah, but I'm better looking. And her favorite," James winked.

"Not true!" Sirius mock-punched James in the arm and they both chuckled at themselves again. Though James was pretending to preoccupied with trying to sneak some food from his mother, his thoughts always occasionally turned back to that spitfire redhead that always evaded his grasp. Hmph. She would be his. Eventually.

* * *

**So there's the prologue for my story...if you caught the time in which this is, it's the summer between James, Lily, and Sev's fifth and sixth year. Clearly, this is going to be incredibly AU, but hopefully still in character...**

**Reviews, my loves?**


	2. Trains, Firewhiskey, and Chocolate

September

Despite having known Lily Evans for most of his life, having perfect memory of her flawless face, and seeing her nearly every day every year since they were young, Severus felt like he was seeing Lily for the first time every time she walked into his view.

As usual, Lily had walked into platform nine-and-three-quarters by herself. Every year, her parents would insist that they'd see her off, but Lily had told them every year that it was no problem at all and it was nothing. Besides, Lily was sure that they couldn't walk through the wall, though she never had the heart to ask. There was also a small factor that she didn't want her parents to see her angered if Potter ever decided to approach her.

Her hair, unlike how she usually did it, was pulled up in a high bun. Of course, though, it would fall out of where she placed it within an hour and Lily would just let it down. Severus liked it better down—it framed her face nicely and seemed to react with her mood like those distinctive eyes of hers did. It just seemed more like Lily.

"Sev!" She called a wide grin on her face as she waved at the thin boy. He didn't smile back at her, seeing as his mother still hadn't left the platform and he wasn't about to earn another one of her scowls just yet. Severus stole a glance for just a moment, just in time to watch Eileen pass through the wall. He turned back around to find Lily again just as she was throwing her arms around him for one of her warm embraces.

"I've missed you so much!" she laughed as she pulled away, tucking a curl behind her ear. Severus smirked to himself—he was right. Her hair had a mind of its own.

"I've missed you too, Lily," he said meekly, his personality always less bright than her's.

"Are you feeling better? Did you get my letter?" Lily adjusted her bag on her shoulder before the two friends started walking to board the train, almost as if everything between them was completely natural and nothing needed to be said—the duo just were in total sync, even if Severus always felt slightly out of the loop.

"Yes and yes. Your letter was appreciated—I'm sorry that I never wrote back." Lily rolled her eyes at her friend, but her smile showed that she was only teasing.

"Oh, Sev. Don't worry about it. Really. You were sick." They both hopped onto the train, and Sev's stormy eyes darkened for a moment. He hated lying to Lily—he hadn't been sick, but instead Tobias had been extra…forceful…with Eileen and Severus that week and he wasn't about to risk Lily poking around. It would be too dangerous.

Lily looked around the train, trying to find two seats for the both of them to sit in. She could hear the sound of obnoxious laughter behind them and wanted to get away from it. There was always the chance it was Lily's stalker and the chance of running into him…Lily quickly wanted to get away from it.

In fact, it was James, only on the other side of the same car as Severus and Lily. He was in his own box with Sirius, laughing and drinking some smuggled Firewhiskey, waiting for their two other companions to show up. Little did the athlete know, but the woman of his dreams and the second biggest enemy in his life was only a few feet away. James was too intoxicated to have noticed Lily's flaming hair pass by their seats through the open door.

"Padfoot, you're a fool," James laughed drunkenly as Remus then showed up, his whole manner weak and forced. The sight of his exhausted friend—especially when James knew the reason to Remus's tired demeanor-sobered him up. A lot.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius greeted as he took another swallow of the alcohol.

"Hello," Remus softly replied before he practically collapsed on the seats. James looked at him skeptically. If his dates were correct, Remus shouldn't have been this bad…

"What's wrong, mate? I thought your problem happened a week and a half ago." Remus sighed and nodded.

"It did. I also have never given myself these." Remus rolled up his sleeves, where his arms were covered in gauze. James grimaced slightly as his mind could imagine all too well how serious Remus's injuries were underneath the thin guard.

"Takes more out of me when I come out in worse condition." Sirius and James nodded solemnly as the both of them handed their bottles to Remus. He laughed at his friends and shook his head, graciously turning away at their offer.

"I've got some chocolate. Don't worry about me. Some sleep on the train ride there will do me some good." Remus smiled politely at James and Sirius, who both shrugged.

"'Kay. More for us, then, mate!" Sirius laughed as he fell back on the plush seats and dutifully knocked back half of the bottle.

"Be careful, Padfoot! McGonagall will kill you if she finds you drunk while her future victims are being sorted!" James teased, and then in typical hypocritical character, took a long chug from the bottle.

"Oh…how do I deal with the two of you," Remus muttered to himself as there was then a light, spirited alto-voice from outside the door.

"I think I might have dropped one of my books. I'll be there in a moment—don't worry," Lily called from the other side of the door, which in turn prompted James to rush to the door, dropping the bottle of Firewhiskey in the process. A very angry Sirius barely managed to catch it from crashing to the floor.

"Is that the lovely Lily Evans I hear?" James called; his eyes sparkling and dancing; ready to flirt with the woman he was determined to catch.

Lily whirled around and her bright, emerald eyes turning from lively to murderous as she saw James.

"The only thing you are soon going to be hearing, James Potter, is my fist connecting with your face if you aren't careful." James laughed as he then stumbled out, weaving through the crowd of students as Lily walked away from him.

"Is that a promise, Evans?"

"More of a threat than a promise, but since I can smell Firewhiskey on you all the way from here, I doubt anything I say is going to much matter to you," she snapped, but refused to look back at James.

"Come on, Evans! You know you matter to me!" He yelled back at her. It was becoming increasingly more difficult for him to follow Lily's quick form, seeing as she was…y'know…_sober_…and all.

"I find that hard to believe when you seem to care nothing except the girl with the longest legs and the shortest skirt and Quidditch!" Oh, she was mad and getting mad quickly. Little to either of their knowledge, Severus had heard them both feuding from his seats and was now darting through the crowd, unable to refuse a chance to hex his worst enemy.

"Evans, just one date! That's all I—_BLOODY HELL!" _Mid sentence, James was hanging upside down by his ankle. Lily immediately knew only one person on the entire train that would actually hex the 'amazingly talented and phenomenally gorgeous James Potter'—his words, not hers.

"Sev!" Lily groaned. "Just let him down! You two aren't even off the train yet!" She pouted, her eyes shifting for a second time from murderous to enraged in a split second. Lily couldn't stand it at all when either of them fought. It wasn't like she didn't like it when she saw Potter humiliated—it was having to hear about it later throughout the school that the redhead couldn't stand.

"Please!" She found a split second to look her best friend in the eye, who then smirked. Sure, Severus would let the prat down. He lowered his wand abruptly and cracked a smile as James fell to the floor with a loud _thud_. There were a few choice seconds where James's glasses were knocked off his face, and Lily took the opportunity to then corral Sev back to their seats. She'd summon whatever she thought she left later.

Sev, however, was clearly more amused than Lily. James was an egotistical bastard that deserved to be humiliated. He was rude, inconsiderate, a total player…everything that wasn't good for Lily, though apparently James thought otherwise. He was everything Lily wasn't and could never be half the beauty that she was. His vanity would be a much better match to someone like Black or even Lucius.

_You're also in love with her, you twit, _Severus thought as he frowned. Bias was a nasty little bugger.

When they reached their seats, Lily slammed the door shut and sat down in her seat, still clearly fuming. Severus just sighed and took a book out from his bag to read while Lily calmed down. It was only about thirty seconds later and two sentences in when Severus heard Lily reaching for her diary and began to furiously scribble into it with her favorite pen. He knew all of her anger wasn't directed to him—a good majority of it was _always_ about James, but she was still mad at him. She always got mad at him when he got in a duel.

The ride to Hogwarts was a silent one for the both of them. After awhile, Lily put her diary down and began to read herself. The only time either of them spoke a word was when the cart of sweets came around. Lily bought a chocolate bar that she didn't eat and Severus politely turned down the woman's offer.

About an hour or two into the train ride, Sev yawned and Lily's worry got the better of her.

"You can sleep, you know. It's not like James is going to come waltzing in here and dress you like a chicken," she half-reassured, half-teased as she looked up from her book.

"I'm not tired," Sev replied, though his face betrayed him—underneath his ebony eyes were deep purple circles that were so dark they made almost made him seem like he was threateningly sick. His skin, while always pale, seemed gray and his whole manner was just exhausted.

"Liar." They both chuckled half-heartedly as Severus rolled his eyes and lay down on the seat. Lily smiled approvingly at him.

"Good Severus. I'll wake you up when we need to change into our robes." Severus nodded at her. He then noticed that Lily's hair was down and he smiled to himself before closing his eyes. It took him all of about three seconds to zonk-out.

"I'm always right," Lily murmured to herself as she turned a page in her book.

After about a half hour, Lily's book was finished and Sev was still asleep. She sighed, grabbing the chocolate bar, and quietly got up to head outside the door. A walk around the train would do some good for her, and she wanted to see a close friend.

He was sitting alone in his own box, reading, as usual. The door was open, but Lily didn't want to intrude. She knocked softly on the door and leaned in the frame. Her friend looked up and chuckled softly before placing his bookmark between the pages he was at.

"Hey, Lily," he said gently.

"Remus," Lily greeted with a warm smile. "May I come in?" Remus nodded at her and smiled politely, shyly back.

"Of course, Lily." She smiled at her friend and sat down across from him.

"I also come bearing gifts." Remus quirked an eyebrow at her and Lily held up the chocolate bar. He chuckled under his breath as Lily handed it to him.

"Thanks. I was running low. You didn't need to buy me this, though." Lily waved a hand as to brush off Remus's words.

"I'm your friend. Buying chocolate for a friend is something that a friend does, Remus," she chastised playfully, still smiling.

"Well…I suppose I can only thank you, then?" Lily nodded. Remus laughed again.

"Then thanks, Lily. It's greatly appreciated," Remus said, still clearly slightly exasperated. Lily shrugged, trying to be conversational, as Remus opened the package and offered Lily a piece. She took it with a smile.

"I know what the answer is going to be…but how are you feeling?" Lily asked carefully, clearly stepping around the question. While she had figured out what Remus was a year ago, it still was disorienting. Yet again, if things weren't touchy, Lily would have been surprised.

"Tired. Weak. The pain is lingering…but that's always the last to go." Remus sighed and shrugged half-heartedly. "This time was a little…rough. I'll be fine, though," he reassured as Lily's worry turned her eyes from a light, friendly green to a shade that was more ominous. It wasn't like Lily's eyes _actually_ changed colors, but if you ask anyone that knew Lily, they'd swear that her eyes portrayed her emotions so clearly it was almost as if she was telling you exactly how she was feeling if you just looked her in the eyes for half a second.

"I'm fine, Lily. You don't have to worry about me. You've got yourself to worry about and I've got the devilish duo that is supposed to worry about me." Lily didn't know about James, Sirius, and Peter all turning into animals with Remus every month, but she had figured out why the three of them also were usually gone when Remus was.

"I'm your fri—"

"Friend, I know," Remus interrupted her, and they both laughed with each other.

"James and Sirius are both passed out somewhere on the train, by the way. You shouldn't have to worry about Migraine and Temper coming around anytime soon." Lily smiled at Remus's nicknames for Potter and Black—she had mentioned one day how they always gave her a migraine and would set off her temper like nothing else, and that day the names were coined for the stupid boys.

"Thank Merlin," Lily sighed.

"Y'know…one date couldn't hurt you," Remus carefully suggested. Lily shot daggers at him.

"It would be excruciatingly painful," she snapped. Remus held up his hands in surrender. It took her a second to remember that she actually liked Remus and he wasn't James or Sirius. He didn't speak until her eyes stopped throwing daggers.

"I know. Just want to say that you aren't the only one that has to deal with James's incessant chattering. Sirius, Peter, and I have to hear about every rejection, crazed plan...absolutely _everything_ that runs through James's mind. Just one date could have the potential to shut him up." Lily rolled her eyes at Remus.

"Or make everything ten times worse." There was a split second of silence before they both laughed. Both Lily and Remus were right. A date with James would either satisfy him or want three times more.

"A simple risk." Remus really was trying. Lily shook her head, smiling.

"One that I'm not willing to take or ever will take. The day that he stops hexing my best friend is the day that I won't totally feel contempt at the idea." Remus laughed again.

"Fair deal, I guess." Remus yawned and Lily rolled her eyes. Was she boring people to sleep or something?

"I'll go. You need some rest." Remus shook her head and opened his mouth to object before Lily held up a hand, silencing him.

"No, no. It's fine. I'll see you at Hogwarts." Lily left then with a friendly smile and a wave goodbye as Remus was left with just a bar of chocolate and James and Sirius under their invisibility cloak.

"No way in bloody hell does she think I'm going to stop trying to shut up that greasy git," James threw off the cloak, clearly steaming. Sirius sighed and shook his head.

"Eh," he said simply as he picked up a magazine filled with Muggle girls in skimpy bikinis and lingerie—sometimes less.

"I will get her," James vowed, but Remus and Sirius were both then consumed in their books. Peter then came in, his arms filled with candies and sweets. He looked around at everyone, confused.

"What's wrong?" he asked, clueless.

"Nothing, Wormtail. Except for the fact that the woman of my dreams is the most stubborn person on earth!" He groaned, his head falling back against the wall. He shut his eyes tightly and groaned again.

"Oh. So. Nothing new?" Everyone laughed at Peter's small joke as Sirius then snatched a chocolate frog box from Peter's hands, which then started a huge war for the candy in their small box of seats.

Lily shut the door to her own compartment just as the feud started in James's. Severus was still asleep, and she smiled. He looked pretty peaceful, just sleeping like that. Lily sighed to herself and sat down on her seat, crossing her legs, as she twirled her wand in her fingers while looking out the window.

Sev woke up to Lily starting to doze off herself, only about fifteen minutes later. He laughed under his breath and sat up.

"Now look who's tired…" he teased and Lily jumped before seeing Sev. She laughed, half-yawning, running a hand through her hair. It's what she always did when she was corrected in some way or the other.

"Hey, Sev. Sleep well?" He nodded in return as the familiar ache from the bruises coating his skin started to slowly return.

"Yes. Thanks, Lily." Sev looked over at Lily, her eyes less sharp and softer then. Her eyes always turned soft when she was tired.

"Go to sleep, Lily. You can't fall asleep during dinner tonight as a prefect." Lily rolled her eyes at Sev, but obliged nonetheless. She said nothing but just rested her head against the wall beside her and closed her beautiful eyes. It only took a few minutes for her body to relax and Sev knew she was asleep. Perfect. Now that prat, Potter, couldn't mess with her.

Sev picked up his book and read some more, though his mind barely registered the words on the pages. His mind kept flitting back to Tobias. That damn, bloody bastard...Sev winced as his mind perfectly-recalled every second of the summer. Every harsh word, every slap, every punch, every kick…The bruise that correlated to the memory ached just a bit more as Sev bit his lip and looked at Lily. She was just so perfect…

It was moments like the one that Sev was caught up in then that he wished he wasn't such a…loser, for lack of a better word. While he was far superior to Potter, Sev wished sometimes that he could match up with his popularity and looks so he wouldn't feel quite so inferior to Lily. He just wished that he'd have a chance of her choosing him. It was impossible for those chances to actually be real, but Sev still wished. He always wished and always would.

* * *

**A really long set-up chapter. I just wanted a chapter where they all interact and things. Well. Ish.**

**Anyone else laugh when James freaked out? Iiii did...and I was writing it.**

**Since I don't get paid for this in moolah, I'll accept reviews! Please?**


End file.
